Wednesday, 29 March 2017

5 days after final presentation

I've been meaning to write. I miss it. Gosh, it's the same cycle over and over again. That feeling when I feel like I can't do it anymore; I'm not meant for whatever it is that I'm doing- I hate it so much. I feel so helpless whenever I feel that way.

I often feel like im not good enough and I have to reach this expectations that people have on me. My parent's expectations, my lecturer's as well. Its hard to satisfy everyone and at the same time be confident and happy with my own design.

I'm so lucky, alhamdulillah. All thanks to Allah. I have a great support system. I have my family and friends. And I have Danial who layan all my breakdowns, me crying in the toilet, me crying in the studio. He kept saying that he believes in me and gosh if only I could believe in myself just like he did, wouldn't things go a lil bit smoother? Layan all my insecurities about my work. He kept telling me that Im good enough, that Im doing all that i could to succeed. My emotions were at times unstable and i would be mad at him for no reason. Gosh.

But then he's still here. He believes in me; still.

He gave me a black book right before I went to SI waktu awal semester. Buku doa. He shows his love differently. It was so thoughtful because i need Allah on top of anything else. And I strongly, strongly believe that anything that came to me (good/bad) semuanya datang dari Dia and ada hikmah sendiri. And semua bantuan yang datang, takkan aku dapat if Allah tak benarkan. To have someone that constantly reminds me to never miss Quran, what else could I hope for during my hectic final year? And to have someone who made sure I woke up for Fajr, why would I ever want to find a replacement for that?

I was so busy and I couldnt go back to Shah Alam. All the hours in the bus was just pure nonsense at that time. (But right now im writing from home). He came to uni once. How nice of him. He called and asked me, "nak breakfast dekat ipoh tak?" I jumped like a crazy rabbit. He's understanding. That's all that I ever wanted and he's all that and even more.

I warned him before. Things are going to be messy as the time progresses. But there he is, with his arms wide open, ready to fix me and place my missing parts together, each and every single day. Thank you.

Friday, 24 February 2017

Days like this

Days like this; i became a sponge.

I soaked all of the (bad) things people told me,  and most importantly what i tell myself. I let others define me and im starting to believe that its true.

Maybe I am a hypocrite
Maybe I am a selfish person
Maybe I am an attention seeker
Maybe I am all of the above, all at once.

I'm slowly forgetting that the world is kind, that Allah is fair.

I'm slowly forgetting that there are people who genuinely care, i forgot that there are people who actually love me.

Days like this i just want to smack my head with a glass bottle. I just wanna rip my skin and become this; brand new- beautiful and perfect living thing. I want to be solid white once again, i want to rub off all of my dirt, flatten my ugly bumps, straighten my winding road.

Days like this, i just feel that im not enough for anyone and i dont deserve anyone.

Days like this doesnt come often but here it is, im living it today.

And today, i dont think i deserve love.

Thursday, 19 January 2017

My Day In Detail + Reasons Why I Should Never Stay Up

Once my sleeping pattern is screwed up, i'm half dead. I really am.

Yesterday morning okay lah everything went well. But I didn't get to nap during the afternoon which honestly pisses me off. And then I was late for Zuhur, which made me more mad at myself. Stuck in a lecture so there was nothing I can do about it. I prayed Zuhur around 3:30 p.m. I wasn't late, but I was and it made me uncomfortable.

Did my work, ooookay. Asr. Then wanted to pray Maghrib but I couldn't pray anymore. So I took a nap... okay... this is where everything flipped 180 degrees. Eek. But I was having a headache since morning. That's why I nak tidur sangat-sangat.

Dear Yana, then you did a horrible mistake of listening to others as if you dont know yourself and as if you don't know how your own body works- how the system of your brain functions. Then you woke up, Yana. You woke up around 8, and then you left the studio, went to your room, and slept even more.

But then you woke up, around 1130. At this minute right here, great news came through whatsapp (danial safely landed, hamdellah). Ok, then you took a shower, and you continuously did your work for the next 13 hours straight.

And please realize this, dear self. Remind yourself that this is exactly why you shouldn't do it (anymore/at all/often). You are a lagging Photoshop. You are a lost user of Sketchup, lost in between walls, lost in between the hollows of the furniture. You are a crashed Autocad. You are everything bad.

You are working but you are lagging. You are functioning, but it took a while for you to start up. Please Yana just don't do it again.

It is more safe, and you feel much more energetic with your routine. Why don't u stick to it haigo tu lah dia. Tu lah makannya.

Sleep at 10. Wake up at 2. Or just sleep around 11-12, wake up at 4. Then do your work, Work till afternoon. Take a nap. A 20 mins nap. Then work till maghrib, rest for awhile. Work summore. Repeat. Yknow it works for you. Why are u doing this to urself yana you feel like shit right now. Remember that KEEPppepp Thattt iNNN mInndddDDD

Sunday, 1 January 2017

Hello 2017!

I somehow feel worried, I might display too much of my relationship with Danial online? Hahaha! But I always do that, when I love something, I want the whole world to know hahahaha. Okay la I wanted to say yang I don't see any problem in that but na ah there is a problem with that. Bukan ke hidup kita kena consider orang lain juga.

Anyway thats just a thought. Well, my new year is filled with worry- because of a black cat. I need to name this cat. Don't know what to call her. Not even sure if it's a her but imma just call her, her. Because shes so gedik and mengada wanna give food also dowan my god. I feel like crying okay when I heard her meowing outside my window and I can't do anything about it. Gosh... Thank god for Johan. Dia amikkan the cat.

Right now shes under my bed, sleeping :)

And as for 2016... asyik teringat; waktu part 01, class Dr Kie. He asked us to tell ourselves over and over again, yang kita ni bodoh. Yup, dalam class "awak semua ni apa...?" "bodoh lagi". ID lecturers ah I tell u they're something else. And I actually like the concept of "Aku Bodoh" ni because each year, mcm right now ni, when I reflect back, I realized that I learned and gained so much tahun ni. More than the year before. And bila pandang masa hadapan, the possibilities are endless. Macam-macam akan belajar lagi! Benda tu made me realize that I am so so so so so very small. A tiny living being; a Yana.

That excites me, to learn more to gain more xp to gain more knowledge. Tazzabar!

For all of the people yang went out and came into my life, I'm so sure yang behind everything ada hikmah right now (esp after the cat incident). I'm grateful, so very grateful. To get to know new people during internship. To get to know my studiomates more. To get to know that theres someone as amazing as Danial hiding along Jalan Nuri.

I wish I was flawless, a flawless creature. But let's face it, nobody is! So, jauh dari sudut hati, yang jauh tak dapat digali, aku minta maaf. For all of my wrongdoings, to everyone.

Harapnya yang indah-indah aja di 2017, bercampur duka, apa salahnya; life kot. Hehe amin.