Wednesday, 29 March 2017

5 days after final presentation

I've been meaning to write. I miss it. Gosh, it's the same cycle over and over again. That feeling when I feel like I can't do it anymore; I'm not meant for whatever it is that I'm doing- I hate it so much. I feel so helpless whenever I feel that way.

I often feel like im not good enough and I have to reach this expectations that people have on me. My parent's expectations, my lecturer's as well. Its hard to satisfy everyone and at the same time be confident and happy with my own design.

I'm so lucky, alhamdulillah. All thanks to Allah. I have a great support system. I have my family and friends. And I have Danial who layan all my breakdowns, me crying in the toilet, me crying in the studio. He kept saying that he believes in me and gosh if only I could believe in myself just like he did, wouldn't things go a lil bit smoother? Layan all my insecurities about my work. He kept telling me that Im good enough, that Im doing all that i could to succeed. My emotions were at times unstable and i would be mad at him for no reason. Gosh.

But then he's still here. He believes in me; still.

He gave me a black book right before I went to SI waktu awal semester. Buku doa. He shows his love differently. It was so thoughtful because i need Allah on top of anything else. And I strongly, strongly believe that anything that came to me (good/bad) semuanya datang dari Dia and ada hikmah sendiri. And semua bantuan yang datang, takkan aku dapat if Allah tak benarkan. To have someone that constantly reminds me to never miss Quran, what else could I hope for during my hectic final year? And to have someone who made sure I woke up for Fajr, why would I ever want to find a replacement for that?

I was so busy and I couldnt go back to Shah Alam. All the hours in the bus was just pure nonsense at that time. (But right now im writing from home). He came to uni once. How nice of him. He called and asked me, "nak breakfast dekat ipoh tak?" I jumped like a crazy rabbit. He's understanding. That's all that I ever wanted and he's all that and even more.

I warned him before. Things are going to be messy as the time progresses. But there he is, with his arms wide open, ready to fix me and place my missing parts together, each and every single day. Thank you.