Wednesday, 12 July 2017

Just Thinking

I've been listening to the Stories of The Prophets by Mufti Ismail Menk.
Within every story/kisah in the Quran, there's something for us to learn.

Followers of each Nabi, compared to the other party, is always smaller.
The ratio is crazily uneven.
Sometimes theres only 2 followers versus a whole other community of people.
So what is it that we can learn from that?

The majority isn't always right.

Sunday, 9 July 2017


Jauh di sudut hati, berantakan. Retak pabila siang, malam ku dikejar bayang. Kedua-duanya tidak tenteram.
Jauh di sudut hati, hanya berharap agar doa didengari; agar yang silap diampuni dan yang keji tidak dicaci.

Saturday, 1 July 2017

Roll #1

raw & untouched photos of my first roll of film after so long. danial hadiahkan a disposable camera for my 20th birthday (2016) and man... it was such a thoughtful gift (how am i gonna top that?) in fact it was perfect. often we get presents that makes us happy for a brief moment tapi this one lasted for such a long time. and the photos turn out well, im so happy with the quality but then of course ada yang tak menjadi, but then again, normal lah film cameras kan. im just so happy :)

Saturday, 3 June 2017


^ that was me, breathing out sekuat hati

Where do I even begin? Im in a state of... not to say confusion lah, just in a state of uncertainty because I am jumping into this new portal that I've never experience before. I say portal because its dark and I'll never know apa ada kat dalam portal tu. U see? Bukan into this new light ke apa.

I baru kerja like 2 weeks, and my plan now is to continue kerja for awhile until I rasa... it's time for degree. We'll see. I dah cuba my hardest utk minta petunjuk from Allah and I rasa mana yang dipermudahkan tu, InsyaAllah it's the best for me. A part of me is just scared that what people say is going to be true.

"Kalau kerja lepas diploma lagi lagi perempuan mesti tak sambung dah"
"Kalau dah dapat duit mesti lupa belajar"

Yknow, things like that. But urm... theres just so many possibilities in life and I want to cherish that. I want to celebrate the differences in life, and my friend told me everyone has a different path in life, and it's okay to do things your way. Betul lah, kalau nak ikut kan bontot kawan je, tak boleh juga. Just be supportive towards each other I think that's the best way to do it. Be supportive.

And by different paths in life, that also includes not continuing degree- sebab theres so many possibilities and rezeki Dia bagi tu bermacam-macam. It is of course what I deeply want to achieve. But tu lah, we plan and Allah is the best planner of all.


Okay this is a different topic haha... today was such a weird day. Stressful indeed, its a saturday... bukan kah patutnya hariku berjimba? Haha no lah but its just weird and stressful. And I want to emphasize on how important it is to actually talk about your feelings with whoever you trust. I told mama yang I stress and Danial too. (Oh Danial dah habis degree, im so happy for him alhamdulillah. I wanna go to his convocation day insyaAllah) it is such a good feeling tau, when you realize that your problems exists and thats completely fine and ada people yang sudi dengar tu kira bagus sangat and especially when they truly care and loves you. And I also stumbled upon this quote the other day which makes so much, sooo much sense - so what if life is not perfect. It's not Jannah.

Betul sangat tu tau, because I often want things to be perfect and literally krai when things get wrong and then ill be okay again once i realize yang ni dunia hahahaha. Haih the silly cycle. Takpalah. I have things I want to blog about but I cant find the time to actually do it.

I want to make a special post about UiTM :) because i want to remember it and aha... since I dah tulis ni, I kena lah buat kan.

Okay bye bye

Wednesday, 29 March 2017

5 days after final presentation

I've been meaning to write. I miss it. Gosh, it's the same cycle over and over again. That feeling when I feel like I can't do it anymore; I'm not meant for whatever it is that I'm doing- I hate it so much. I feel so helpless whenever I feel that way.

I often feel like im not good enough and I have to reach this expectations that people have on me. My parent's expectations, my lecturer's as well. Its hard to satisfy everyone and at the same time be confident and happy with my own design.

I'm so lucky, alhamdulillah. All thanks to Allah. I have a great support system. I have my family and friends. And I have Danial who layan all my breakdowns, me crying in the toilet, me crying in the studio. He kept saying that he believes in me and gosh if only I could believe in myself just like he did, wouldn't things go a lil bit smoother? Layan all my insecurities about my work. He kept telling me that Im good enough, that Im doing all that i could to succeed. My emotions were at times unstable and i would be mad at him for no reason. Gosh.

But then he's still here. He believes in me; still.

He gave me a black book right before I went to SI waktu awal semester. Buku doa. He shows his love differently. It was so thoughtful because i need Allah on top of anything else. And I strongly, strongly believe that anything that came to me (good/bad) semuanya datang dari Dia and ada hikmah sendiri. And semua bantuan yang datang, takkan aku dapat if Allah tak benarkan. To have someone that constantly reminds me to never miss Quran, what else could I hope for during my hectic final year? And to have someone who made sure I woke up for Fajr, why would I ever want to find a replacement for that?

I was so busy and I couldnt go back to Shah Alam. All the hours in the bus was just pure nonsense at that time. (But right now im writing from home). He came to uni once. How nice of him. He called and asked me, "nak breakfast dekat ipoh tak?" I jumped like a crazy rabbit. He's understanding. That's all that I ever wanted and he's all that and even more.

I warned him before. Things are going to be messy as the time progresses. But there he is, with his arms wide open, ready to fix me and place my missing parts together, each and every single day. Thank you.

Friday, 24 February 2017

Days like this

Days like this; i became a sponge.

I soaked all of the (bad) things people told me,  and most importantly what i tell myself. I let others define me and im starting to believe that its true.

Maybe I am a hypocrite
Maybe I am a selfish person
Maybe I am an attention seeker
Maybe I am all of the above, all at once.

I'm slowly forgetting that the world is kind, that Allah is fair.

I'm slowly forgetting that there are people who genuinely care, i forgot that there are people who actually love me.

Days like this i just want to smack my head with a glass bottle. I just wanna rip my skin and become this; brand new- beautiful and perfect living thing. I want to be solid white once again, i want to rub off all of my dirt, flatten my ugly bumps, straighten my winding road.

Days like this, i just feel that im not enough for anyone and i dont deserve anyone.

Days like this doesnt come often but here it is, im living it today.

And today, i dont think i deserve love.